attitudes lately and chemo plans

I am often struck by things I want to write about at inconvenient times - when I'm driving, while at work, when cooking dinner, while in Church, while about to fall asleep...  Recently I've composed posts in my head that I would have called "Rejoicing" and "Mourning" and "Chemo Plans" and "Moving Forward" but none of them made it out of my head on to the blog.  But now you have the gist of where my head and heart have been the last few weeks.

The thing I've been most scared of through this whole process is the great unknown.  I have spent my entire life and career being prepared for the future.  Recognizing that I can't control everything and it's too exhausting to try, I've still built in programs into how I work to ensure that deliverables are completed and projects carry on if I have to take some time off (vacations, maternity leave etc).  I've planned home life to ensure that kids can do their sports, legos, playdates etc that I can get help with rides, but I'm there at the end of every activities to ensure that dinner is eaten, showers are taken, and snuggles are obtained all around.  Surgery recovery has already shown me that I can't begin to expect how to plan for this whole cancer scenario and it is really hard for me, mentally...  I thought for sure I'd be ready to go two weeks after surgery, back to work 100%, but I'm not quire up to par three weeks out.  Sigh.  SO HOW DO I PLAN FOR CHEMO??  I can't.  It's the worst.  So I just have to trust God that it will all work out in the day-to-day.  In the meantime here are some current highs and lows and in-betweens:

Sometime during the surgery, it sounds like my long thoracic nerve got stretched (hopefully not cut).  As a result, my back muscles are not working correctly and my scapula is "winging" when I try to lift up my right arm.  Since the back muscle isn't engaging, if I lift my arm my neck muscles are the ones doing the work, so I'm trying to avoid that.  My OT and I are hoping that the nerve will repair itself, but for now I'm on a "no lifting" with my right arm plan.  Pain in the butt for a right armed person, you know?  I'm thankful for my OT in Wenatchee.  She has also been helping me learn massage techniques for lymphatic drainage of my right arm.  Since I am terrified of lymphedema, I like having these tools in my kit so that if it shows up, I can start treatment immediately.  She's also been very encouraging with the nerve stuff - and thinks that it's slowly improving, so I'm going with that.  On the positive side, my left arm is a champ, has full range of mobility, and only very minor swelling and pain.

I had a pretty down day yesterday.  I have been more joyful that not in these past few weeks so I guess it's natural to switch and have some time where I was mourning "Jennifer before cancer".  It was a GORGEOUS day in Plain, and I was home alone in the house, again...  All the things I really wanted to do around the house to prep for winter (gardening/raking/prep kid snow clothes, organize outdoor gear) include using a right arm, so those were out.  My sister was in town but I hadn't seen her yet, and my glance at Instagram told me that everyone I knew was out enjoying the beautiful weather and that life was good.  I think I let Satan get in my head and it was making me miserable.  So I put on my running shoes and laced them up, added a fleece, plugged in some praise music, and took the dogs for a walk up to the ditch.  I cried a little and hummed along to the music a little, and pet the dogs while they trotted beside me.  Thankfully, by the time I got to the trail back down to the road, I was praising God for the goodness around me and though I felt physically lonely, I was reminded that I wasn't alone.  And by then Kirsten had gotten to my house, and Steve and the boys were on their way home.  Sometimes a little fresh air in the lungs and blue sky in the air reminds me of the many, many blessings I have just by living here in Plain.

Chemotherapy will start for me on Friday the 16th.  I will start with 4 infusions of AC (adriamycin/cytotoxin). Infusions will take place every two weeks.  Following AC, I will have 12 weekly infusions of Taxol.  In combo with all this I get to have Aloxi (prevents nausea), Emend and Dexamethone (to prevent nausea), and Neulasta (to stimulate white blood cell production).  They also send you home with two other nausea medicines and Lorazepam for nausea or anxiety.  Gross - all that unnatural stuff in my system.  I am going to try to manage some of the symptoms with more homeopathic remedies including short term fasting before and after chemo infusions, essential oils application, CBD oils, and whatever else I need to keep a smile on my face.  I'm going to attempt working 16-20 hours a week during this time too - WISH ME LUCK!  Like I said earlier, the unknown is hard for me, so I've made very tentative plans and hope I can exceed my own expectations for staying healthy.

I leave you with a few photos - those I can take from my easy chair :)  I have some good pictures of what my chest scars looks like but I am not quite sure if it's appropriate for this audience... since I'm honestly not sure who this audience is, ha!  They are healing up and hopefully I can handle looking at them up until my reconstruction which is likely about 18+ months out.

Thanks for your encouragement and prayers - they are keeping me mostly joyful throughout this crazy unexpected and long process.  God is good, all the time, and this is no exception.